and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
