I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
