Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
