I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
