He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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