i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
True strength comes from lack of pants
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
