I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
