After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I need to align my fucking chakras
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
