her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
