Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
