I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Randomize
