Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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