come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
