that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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