We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i love accidental penises.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
