Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
