strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
