i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
