"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
ttyl tear gas
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
