Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Everyone says I win the strip club
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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