Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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