our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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