dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
