walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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