I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
