Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize