I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize