Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
