I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
