My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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