They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
