I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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