I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
