At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
