I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Sorry about my life...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize