I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
