Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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