someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
