I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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