pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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