My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
