I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
