Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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