I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize