Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
