the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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