if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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