just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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