Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
