Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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