My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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