Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
