i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize