So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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