Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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