After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize