No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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