did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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