Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
